I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I cut my penus on the lid.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
