somebody snuck up and got me drunk
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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