my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Buhtt sex?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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