last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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