sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
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