he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
