dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
