you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
