i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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