My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
