I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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