so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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