why didn't you poke me back
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
