4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
