You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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