No stitches, just platelets and will power
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
