the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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