New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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