I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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