I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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