fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
