He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
