im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
