There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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