Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
