this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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