I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it hurts more in the daytime
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
