Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
