I can't watch pbs sober anymore
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
