Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
