cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
