Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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