goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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