when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
