Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
