dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize