I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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