So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
