oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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