Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
