I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
