I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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