You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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