kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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