and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize