had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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