he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
