So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize