The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize