i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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