I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
