mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
