She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
