Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
