Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
