Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
