So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
