Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Houston, we have a squirter
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
