So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
worst night to have a conscience
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
