I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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