remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
