he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
