her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
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